The Snake Lady’s Afternoon Off

Late last week I decided I needed an Afternoon Off. Kind of like Ferris Beuhler’s Day Off only I asked for annual leave from my boss four day’s ahead of time and let hubby know my plans. Y’know, a grown-up version of Ferris Beuhler’s Day Off.

My Afternoon Off began with a trip to the parts store. Yes. The parts store. Hubby called before I left the office and said, “Will you go to the part’s store?” “But its my Afternoon Off” I protested. “Yeah, well, you’ve got to do something with the time. You might as well spend some of it at the parts store.” Grrrrr.

Step 2 was Applebee’s. I know this sounds cheezy but I love eating out alone at medium-grade chain restaurants and now that I’m married I don’t get to do it very often. I ate my food, read a book, and contemplated my next move. The planned next move was a movie ’cause I like those too. The only problem is that there really isn’t anything I wanted to see and now that Netflix owns my soul for $17.99 a month, there’s no real need to go to the theatre.

I pondered. I noted the deep feelings of cheap, tawdry unworthiness that had been sneaking up on me ever since I started spending three hours every evening in front of the tube watching television series. Its fun, mind, but the over-all result has left me feeling a bit slimy. I decided that reading A CLASSIC or two would solve this so I ditched the movie idea and went to the bookstore. Sadly, I had to ask where the classics section was. My English major soul says this is something I should know about any bookstore I frequent. Alas.

So, after considering my options I chose Robinson Crusoe and The Picture of Dorian Grey. This left me feeling so superior that I embarked on Part 2 of My Afternoon Off feeling that nothing could scathe me.

Let me warn you that I am NOT COOL. Cool people try out shiatsu or reiki on their afternoon off. Really cool people design the co-op they plan to build outside of Seattle while sipping carob flavored soy milk or apply for jobs like editorial writer for The Advocate.

I went to Macy’s.

I also went to Younker’s.

These are “grown-up ladies” stores that I 1. can’t afford and 2. feel intimidated by. I bought myself costume jewelry and a some clothes that, om, strike out in a new direction for me. I also bought the hubmeister a very cool purple tie.

Then I went to yet another clothing store – one that I feel more comfortable in – and tried on almost everything on sale in my size. Those poor sales clerks. I did buy a couple of things.

The end result? Well, I have some new clothes. And some new costume jewelry. And this oddly slimy, cheap and tawdry feeling that you get from spending 5 hours in a mall. I think I’ll go and see if a few chapters of The Picture of Dorian Grey can fix mall sliminess, too.

Little Mosque on the Prarie

Ever wonder what normal life is like for normal Muslims in Canada – and, by extension – America? Ever wonder what a Muslim sense of humor is like? Wonder no longer. You can now watch a TV sitcom written by a Muslim woman, produced by the CBC, and available to everyone. Take 20 minutes and watch the pilot episode here:

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4689644836814333621&q=little+mosque

The show’s Web site is here: http://www.cbc.ca/littlemosque/

All Hail South Park!

 

 

Over the last few months I have veritably steeped myself in television – television on DVD with no commercials, of course. I went through The Sopranos twice, Star Trek Voyager, Dark Angel, part of Six Feet Under and, most recently, South Park.

South Park rocks. And after watching 2-8 epidoses a night for several weeks, I can hear Cartman talking to me. I’ll see someone drop the ball or dance out of something and his little nine year old voice wheezes in my hear, “Weak, man, that’s weak.”

And when I need the wisdom of Stan

he’s right there to lay it on the line, call it like it is, and encourage me to stand up like a man.

Of course, I can’t quote either of them to you because they are two of the most foul-mouthed children ever to scamper across the face of the planet earth. But when somebody cuts me off in traffic, or fails to give me the accolades I have so justly earned, there are now a cadre of four little boys constantly about my knees who know JUST what to say (and just how to say it). My heroes!

All hail South Park!

Growing Up via Insulated Garage Doors

My friend gHost sent the following to me. gHost is awesome. We’ve known each other for almost 10 years and have gone from the stage where we’re thoroughly satisfied by the prospect of a restaurant dinner in three courses that costs under $5 to a little grossed out by it. See below for my additions to the list.

I never drank much, so I have a few replacement items for the list:

27: You know the differences between Lowe’s, Menard’s, and Home Depot and have a definite preference.

28. The most satisfying thing you did on Saturday was insulate the garage door with your hubby:

Score for snakelady librarian and her growing household fix-it skills!!!!!

Casualty 2 of The First Year

We now have our second casualty of The First Year in the New House: the microwave. Tonight, after heating up two Tyson chicken patties and while heating up a bowl of lobster bisque soup, it unceremoniously died. It reponds to nothing. Is stuck perpetually at 6 seconds. And runs continually if you shut the door.

Me. Hubby. Sears. This Weekend. Don’t Forget to Measure.

P.S. See how my new digital camera came in handy for blogging? I rushed for it as soon as the nuker puked.

What I’m Reading: In the Beginning

I keep a bookshelf of classics in my home. Books I want to be able to look at anytime I please and read once every five years or so. Beat-up paperbacks worth their weight in gold. Having these books makes me feel safe – that I shall never, ever have a moment when I have nothing good to read (a panicky moment for a librarian). They’re not all strictly “literature.” My shelf of gold includes The Godfather and Interview with the Vampire along with Atlas Shrugged, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Shogun, the four books of the All Creatures Great and Small series, How Green Was My Valley, and In This House of Brede. Anna Karenina is on the shelf, too, but truth be told I haven’t actually READ that one.

I’m usually reading three to four books at a time – one or two on CD and one or two in print. Lately I’ve been reading some trash – excuse me, popular recreational reading material – like the half dozen John Grishams I just finished up on CD. It’s like a steady diet of McDonalds. But you don’t realize it until you eat a filet mignon and then that ole fish filet is seen in a new light.

I recently went to my classics shelf and picked out a book I hadn’t read since college. I don’t know how I initially came by this title, probably my father. He introduced me to a lot of good books. In any case…

The book is called “In the Beginning” by Chaim Potok.

Click on the book to read some great reviews from Amazon that I can’t top. I highly recommend this one. Moves you straight from french fries to a baked potato with fresh chives.

(No, this doesn’t mean I stopped reading the Stephen King book I was reading when I started In the Beginning, nor the one I was reading when I finished In the Beginning. French fries are tasty, damnit)

5 Things You Probably Don’t Know About Me

1. I can’t even hum on key. Add actual notes and its a pure-dee lost cause. It was a concern to me in my younger days vis a vis becoming a nun, seeings how they tend to sing quite a bit. I asked my mother what nuns who can’t sing do and she said they just mouth the words. I often think if I were granted three wishes one of them would be for a lovely singing voice.
2. When living in the co-ops in college I came near to attacking a housemate for saying I had bought more Jiffy mixes than I was authorized to (a very serious charge in co-op land, very, very serious). Luckily, her ex-marine boyfriend was there and he pushed me out of the room before anything untoward happened (besides the screaming and the bloodfire accusations) and closed the door. For the record, my actions were entirely justified. Entirely. I WAS RIGHT TO BUY THOSE EXTRA JIFFY MIXES, PARTICULARLY THE BLUEBERRY ONES.
3. Growing up I learned how to ride horses and shoot guns. Not simultaneously. That’s impossible. I don’t care what John Wayne told you.
4. I was second chair in the all-city Harrisonburg Children’s Band in elementary school. I played the clarinet.
5. In college I was on an anti-porn rampage for several years. I participated in a rather famous episode where we shut down Omar’s titty bar in Lansing during a Take Back the Night rally and made national NPR. I was on parole detail that night so I didn’t get arrested. Nearly shut down DejaVu once, too. I don’t engage in these types of activities any longer.